Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘we don’t serve your type.’

Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘we don’t serve your type.’

It was 14 years ago yesterday that Dan Rather joined REM on stage at Madison Square Garden for “Whats the Frequency Kenneth?” I was unaware that the song was written based on an incident in 1985 where Dan Rather was mugged, and one of his assailants kept on screaming “Kenneth, what’s the frequency?” I read yesterday that they attacked him because they believed that the media had taken control of him. Naturally, learning all of this made me think of which current news anchor I would most like to beat up because the media has taken contron of them. Matt Lauer is too cool and Katie Couric is too hot. I think I would have to go with Sam Champion, even though he is only a weather anchor, I’ve always carried some serious hate for the guy. I cannot find any factual evidence, but I’m almost positive that Sam Champion is not his real name. We all know that his predecessor, Frank Field, changed his name to Storm Field for dramatic effect, so I don’t doubt that Sam Champion’s real name is Porter McElroy or something like that.

So I have been watching the U.S Open for the past two days, and I have found it a bit offensive that Long Island has been included in the typical New Yorker stereotype. ESPN runs a promo that features a middle aged guy with a thick Italian accent. You know the kind… the “Hey Yo I’m from Brooklyn Fuggedaboutit Ma Put the Sauce On it’s Gettin Late!” In other promos, the Empire State Building and Times Square are prominently shown. The last time I checked, the U.S. Open was being held at Bethpage State Park…in Farmingdale… on Long Island.

My point is, I think there is a difference between “Long Islanders” and “New Yorkers.” Now of course, Long Island is part of New York, but I don’t think we on Long Island need to be mashed into the tough guy New Yorker attitude that is usually associated with people from the city. Long Island has plenty of people and places that could have been used in the promos for ESPN. Instead of the Empire State Building 50 miles away in NYC, why not use The Big Duck in Flanders? Instead of hiring some loser actor from Staten Island, why not have a Long Island Legend like Christie Brinkley go on with the awesome Long Island accent (“Watch the boys hit the gawlf bawls and enjoy some soder or wawter.”)

I think Phil will win.

I’ve heard some ridiculous band names in my day. There was the New Jersey powerpunk powerhouses, Shower With Goats, who, by the grace of god reunited in 2007. Or there is Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, who have one song that I like (Oregon Girl). I used to listen to a hardcore band called the Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza. And maybe three months ago, someone told me to check out an electro / indie band with the name Natalie Portmans Shaved Head. A great name, and actually, a really nice band. I dig their sounds. They played at Santo’s the other night, and I missed it. I’m annoyed with myself, but they will be back on the 20th, so I will most definitely check them out then.

I have come to the conclusion that if any event is going to be considered super fun, its going to need one of two things: either beach balls or bubbles. Think about it. Name one place that you have been where beach balls or bubbles were being circulated through the crowd and you were like “wtf, get that beach ball out of here.” The fun level of any sporting event, concert, or festival is automatically doubled anytime a beach ball is going around. As a matter of fact, at my wedding in 2040, I want beach balls being hit around during the church ceremony. My funeral (presumably 6 months after I get married) too.

Bubbles, on the other hand, are just rad. I was driving home today, and in the car in front of me, a little girl had her cool bubble machine hanging out the window, blowing bubbles in my direction. It was like driving through some kind of awesome time warp. I was so happy. While bubbles will surely be included in both my wedding and funeral plans, I am really annoyed with myself for missing the premier bubble event of 2009 last night. Thats right, Bubble Battle 2009 took place last night in Times Square, and I friggin missed it. For some stupid reason, I had it marked on my calendar for June 19th, not the 12th.

Hey

I have had dozens of blogs over the past 10 years. This one is going to be rad. I really like what Tumblr is doing.

Don’t worry about my picture to the right. I didn’t get hit in the face by a mixed martial artist or anything. I was just playing shakeface. You don’t know what shakeface is? Well, all you have to do is, when you are having a picture taken, just shake your face around like a madman. The result is what you see over there. It’s even more fun when done with friends or celebrities.

Earlier today, I was eating a buffalo chicken wrap from a deli out east. I forgot that I had two nasty sun blisters on my bottom lip (I also have a ridiculous farmers tan, some sweet peeling of the earlobes, and possibly sunstroke, but if that’s the worst that will happen after a weekend on Fire Island,I’ll take it). After taking two bites of the delicious wrap, my lips were in some serious pain. Now I could have easily thrown the wrap into the majestic fountain I was sitting next to, along with the 9 bucks I spent on it, but instead I went back into the deli, asked for a fork, ditched the wrap, and continued eating the chicken with said fork, avoiding any contact with my lips. You may not think this is hard, but it’s quite a challenge. Next time you are eating something with a marinade, glaze, sauce, etc; try not making any contact with your lips with a fork or spoon. It’s almost impossible.