Heiress Courtship Time

I'm 24 years old. I'm still going to school. I'm paying thousands of dollars a year to get a stupid piece of paper that will let me work for the rest of my life. I don't want to work for the rest of my life. I want to retire immediately. I do not have, by any means, the finances needed to retire at 24. I don't have the computer skills to create a social networking site and then sell it to Fox for 580 million dollars (screw off Tom). I do not have the musical skills to create the next big blazing hip hop and r&b single. And I certainly was not born into a family where I will be inheriting billions and a few estates any time soon.

But some people were born into those kinds of families, which is why I have decided to halt everything in my life and will now be concentrating on courting some of the worlds hottest heiresses. I have decided for once in my life I should take the easy way out, and the easiest way I could think of is by obviously making a billionaire heiress fall in love with me, marry me, bear my children, divorce her and then take half of her inheritance, including property in foreign islands. I'm going to start my courtship by choosing 5 of the 10 Hottest Heiresses according to Forbes Magazine.

Holly Branson

Forbes Bio: Bubbly blond daughter of brash Virgin mogul Richard Branson is a doctor in London who received her med school degree in pediatrics. Longtime pal of Britain's most eligible man, Prince William, she vacationed with him and his ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton last year. More recently, she has been all over the press after spending a night dancing and chatting with the newly single prince at a London nightclub. Holly maintains they are just friends. The public seems to disagree: Holly once won BBC Channel 4's "A Wife for William" contest with 43% of the vote.

Why it would work: Holly is only one year older than me. She is bubbly. And I have the utmost respect for her father, Sir Richard Branson. That man is a lunatic, and I love it. He's always doing something crazy, like trying to fly around the world tied to balloons and stuff.

Odds of us getting together: 200 to 1. I think if we ever met we would really hit it off. The only thing standing in the way of our eternal happiness is clearly Prince William. If I could just eliminate him (freak polo accident perhaps?), I will invite Holly to come party at the Boardy Barn with me. Heiresses love the Hamptons, but I think Holly has more in common with me when it comes to partying.. all day drink fests and loud music. If NBC channel 4 ever has a "Wife for Sean" contest, she would surely win.

Amanda Hearst
Forbes Bio: Great-granddaughter of publishing legend William Randolph Hearst and niece of the famously kidnapped and brainwashed Patty Hearst, Amanda is a well-known New York socialite who was once featured in a Harper's Bazaar article detailing her annual maintenance cost of $136,360. The student and model is the face of preppy designer Lilly Pulitzer, and she appeared recently on the cover of Hamptons magazine. The heiress is also a member of environmental nonprofit organization Riverkeeper.

Why it would work: Amanda is a blond, I like blondes. She's from NY, i'm from NY too. Most importantly, she is an environmentalist. And although I'm more of a Surfrider type of guy than a Riverkeeper type of guy, I'm sure we could talk about the important global issues over cage-free chicken dinners at an expensive restaurant in Maui.

Odds of us getting together: 136, 160 to 1. Her annual maintenance cost is about 200 dollars more than I can ever envision myself spending on the maintenance of a woman. I don't even know how to maintain a woman. Is it like maintaining a car? Do I have to pay for her to get an oil change every 3 months? I don't know, but her high maintenance would probably clash with my manly ego, and it would just be a mess for all parties involved. Stay away from me Amanda.

Dylan Lauren
Forbes Bio:Daughter of all-American fashion icon Ralph Lauren, Dylan has found her own sweet spot. The candy entrepreneur sells an array of treats from Jelly Belly, Mars and Hershey at her Dylan's Candy Bar stores, now with five locations nationwide. The stores feature party rooms, candy spas and such gifts as candy pillows, T-shirts and scarves. A former cover girl for Hamptons magazine and Town & Country, Dylan has made recent appearances on the Today and Martha Stewart shows.

Why it would work: Our mutual love of candy. Dylan's Candy Bar is one of the only reasons I ever go to Roosevelt Field Mall. I am a collector of Pez Dispensers, and my sweet Dylan always has the newest dispensers in stock the day they come out. The prices are a little high, but thats the way heiresses roll I suppose. I would assume that once we were married she would give me the candy stores so that she could concentrate on other things, like going to social clubs and dinner parties. After the divorce, I would keep the candy stores, rename them to Uncle Seany's Candy Emporium, and lower the prices significantly. I would be a hero to children young and old, and would make enough money to have my own little heiresses.

Odds of us getting together: 2100 to 1. Although we both do have a sweet tooth, she also has a long tooth. Dylan is 32 years old, and from what I have read she is in no rush to settle down anytime soon. I also have the fashion sense of a mentally challenged baboon, so I'm sure her father, Ralph Lauren, would hate me. But it would be freakin awesome to be the king of a candy empire.

Paris and Nicky Hilton

Forbes Bio (Paris): Suddenly life isn't so simple for the world's original celebutante. Great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, Paris was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. The suspension came after an alcohol-related reckless driving incident. It was the defining moment for a year full of tabloid-worthy fodder: a public proclamation of celibacy, a reunion with once-estranged Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie last October and countless rumored romances

Forbes Bio (Nicky): Paris' little sister, Nicky, generated her own buzz with a two-year relationship with Entourage star Kevin Connolly that ended last summer and with her much publicized forays into the hotel business, which quickly flopped. Her Nicky O hotel in Florida's trendy South Beach reportedly went bankrupt, and a Chicago developer sued her and her agent over another hotel project in the Windy City. The case was dismissed.

Why it would work (Paris): It wouldn't. I hate her with all of my heart.

Why it would work (Nicky): I saw Nicky Hilton at a diner in California last year with Entourage star and then current boyfriend Kevin Connolly. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I'm almost positive she smiled at me and told one of her bodyguards that she wanted to do me. I was slightly drunk if I remember correctly, but even still, me and Nicky would be great together. She obviously loves Entourage, so she has a sense of humor. I'm a pretty funny guy. I also like her because she's not like her stupid sister Paris, who annoys me so much that if I saw her at the diner I would have thrown my eggs at her. I also once saw a video of Nicky on an Indo board. I love my Indo board.

Odds of us getting together (Paris): 4 million to 2. Sorry Paris, I don't date convicts. I also don't date crackheads who slept with half of Hollywood and most of the NFL. Take note, Lindsay Lohan.

Odds of us getting together (Nicky): 15 to 1. I feel like Nicky might not have experienced some of the things normal children did growing up, and I think I would be the perfect man to show her some fun. I would take to play some mini golf, ride a ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and watch cartoons. I would also teach her how to throw a frisbee, and invite her to be on my Ultimate Frisbee team. She would surely marry me after that. I might not even divorce her, because I love staying in hotels so much, and since she is the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, that could be a nice hookup.

So there you have it, billionaire ladies. You now know a little more about me, and I will leave it to you fight amongst yourselves to see who gets a piece of the Sean pie.