Hey so I just got in from a quick 3.5 mile run. Interesting story. I was watching Houseguest, which I believe is Sinbad's finest work, and I planned on running after it was over at around 3:30. But just as Sinbad was telling Phil Hartman the truth, I noticed it was snowing like mad outside. Running in the snow stinks, so I hopped up, got my stuff on, barely stretched, and started to run. Now I was planning on running 4.7 miles in honor of Abraham Lincolns birthday being today (4 score and 7 years ago), but like a jerk, I forgot to bring my running glasses out with me. The snow was more like rain at first, and it was just getting into my eyes and just annoying me. I ran my first 2 miles really quick, in like 17 minutes. Then the snow started to stick, causing me to shorten my stride and really focus on planting my feet. It took me almost 17 more minutes to run 1.5 miles. Bottom line is, running in the snow is annoying.
One good thing about starting this streak now is that yesterday was, according to the major news outlets, the coldest ever. So I ran yesterday wearing track pants, a t shirt and a long sleeve shirt, thin glove liners, and a hat. And I really was not that cold. Let it be known, I absolutely hate and despise running in pants. I actually just hate wearing pants in general, but thats a different story for a different day. The coldest run I've ever done came in January of 2007, a 5 mile race at Sunken Meadow State Park. I wore shorts and a technical shirt, gloves and a hat. I felt fine. But these past couple of weeks while running in shorts, I've been getting some nasty wind burn on my legs after running, so I've
come up with a general rule that I'm going to follow: Under 25 degrees and windy.. I wear pants... Under 25 and calm.. game time decision. But anything under 20 degrees, I'm gonna wear pants. As long as I'm wearing my glove liners and winter hat, I'm good for anything over 25.
I just realized I wrote "interesting story" up top there. This was not interesting. If you are reading this, I promise this blog will be more entertaining as time goes on. Running in the snow isn't as bad as it seems, but running in the slush and the crap that road sanders leave, that sucks, and thats what I have to look forward to tomorrow.
" Abe Lincoln, God Bless him"
- Bishop Allen
Miles run today: 3.5 Year to date: 95.5
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
A Streak Begins (Hopefully)
In 2007, I ran over 1200 miles. This included a full marathon (Disney in January), two half marathons, and a bunch of 5k's, 10k's, 15k's, etc.... 1200 miles, at my average (and extremely mediocre) 9 minute mile, is the equivalent of running for 7.5 days, if my math is correct, and there is a good chance it's not. Now running that much seems kind of cool,and I'm totally proud of myself, but after reading about the phenomenon of "streak running," I realized that I'm kind of a sissy when it comes to running.
Late last year, I read a story on espn.com (read the story here) about a guy in South Florida, Robert Kraft, who is going to reach his 100,000th mile ran this year. He has run at least one mile, every single day, for the past 33 years. And the crazy thing is, he doesn't even own the longest streak in the country. There are some others that have been running at least one mile every day for 37 , even 40 years.
After reading Kraft's story and researching tons of others, I decided I wanted to start my own running streak. At the time, I was in a bit of a running funk, so I decided to start the streak on January 1st, 2008. January 1st, I ran 6 miles. January 2nd, I took a bad spill on a waveboard, and hurt my back real bad. I could barely walk. My streak was already over. After like two weeks of rehabbing the back, I figured I would try to start the streak back up again. I was going real good up until February 9th, when after a hard night of birthday celebrating, I decided I was in no shape to run, thus ending my streak again.
Today, February 11th, 2008, 4 days after my 25th birthday, I said to myself - "Sean, you just turned 25. You have not done much. Get out there and do something." So I went for a 9 mile run. And on my run, I decided that today would be the day that my streak really, really begins. No more stupid excuses. No more riding waveboards and getting hurt. Just run. At least a mile every day.
So why start another blog? Well, during my run today, I was trying to think of ways to keep myself motivated to run every day. And in my warped mind, I thought to myself "Hey man start a new blog, and people will fall in love with it, and they are gonna want to read it every day, and you can only write stuff after a run." Well, there are a bunch of running blogs out there that I read all the time, and the running community is pretty tight, so maybe there will be a few other runners out there that would be interested in this blog and will keep me going. Also, while running, I tend to think more than I usually do, and I do enjoy writing, so this would be a good place to keep me going. I've had a couple of blogs in the past, like this one, but I never really kept them updated on a regular basis. So if I'm going to be logging my runs, I might as well be blogging my thoughts.
So yeah, thats that. I'm gonna do my best to get this streak really going. I've come to the conclusion that I probably won't be a famous skateboarder or rock and roll star, so maybe this will be a way to leave my mark on society. I'm not saying I'm going to be the next Robert Kraft, but hell, I also didn't think I would ever run a full marathon, or 1200 miles in a single year.
On a side note, February 12th is Abraham Lincolns Birthday. If you know me, you know that I'm a bit of an Abraham Lincoln enthusiast, so I will leave you with a few of my favorite Abe quotes that pertain to my newest endeavor.
" I say try, if we never try, we shall never succeed"
"By no means say 'if I can', say 'I will"
"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important that any one thing"
"Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today"
"Live a good life, and in the end, it's not the amount of years left in the life, but life left in the years"
Miles run today: 9 Year to Date: 92
Late last year, I read a story on espn.com (read the story here) about a guy in South Florida, Robert Kraft, who is going to reach his 100,000th mile ran this year. He has run at least one mile, every single day, for the past 33 years. And the crazy thing is, he doesn't even own the longest streak in the country. There are some others that have been running at least one mile every day for 37 , even 40 years.
After reading Kraft's story and researching tons of others, I decided I wanted to start my own running streak. At the time, I was in a bit of a running funk, so I decided to start the streak on January 1st, 2008. January 1st, I ran 6 miles. January 2nd, I took a bad spill on a waveboard, and hurt my back real bad. I could barely walk. My streak was already over. After like two weeks of rehabbing the back, I figured I would try to start the streak back up again. I was going real good up until February 9th, when after a hard night of birthday celebrating, I decided I was in no shape to run, thus ending my streak again.
Today, February 11th, 2008, 4 days after my 25th birthday, I said to myself - "Sean, you just turned 25. You have not done much. Get out there and do something." So I went for a 9 mile run. And on my run, I decided that today would be the day that my streak really, really begins. No more stupid excuses. No more riding waveboards and getting hurt. Just run. At least a mile every day.
So why start another blog? Well, during my run today, I was trying to think of ways to keep myself motivated to run every day. And in my warped mind, I thought to myself "Hey man start a new blog, and people will fall in love with it, and they are gonna want to read it every day, and you can only write stuff after a run." Well, there are a bunch of running blogs out there that I read all the time, and the running community is pretty tight, so maybe there will be a few other runners out there that would be interested in this blog and will keep me going. Also, while running, I tend to think more than I usually do, and I do enjoy writing, so this would be a good place to keep me going. I've had a couple of blogs in the past, like this one, but I never really kept them updated on a regular basis. So if I'm going to be logging my runs, I might as well be blogging my thoughts.
So yeah, thats that. I'm gonna do my best to get this streak really going. I've come to the conclusion that I probably won't be a famous skateboarder or rock and roll star, so maybe this will be a way to leave my mark on society. I'm not saying I'm going to be the next Robert Kraft, but hell, I also didn't think I would ever run a full marathon, or 1200 miles in a single year.
On a side note, February 12th is Abraham Lincolns Birthday. If you know me, you know that I'm a bit of an Abraham Lincoln enthusiast, so I will leave you with a few of my favorite Abe quotes that pertain to my newest endeavor.
" I say try, if we never try, we shall never succeed"
"By no means say 'if I can', say 'I will"
"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important that any one thing"
"Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today"
"Live a good life, and in the end, it's not the amount of years left in the life, but life left in the years"
Miles run today: 9 Year to Date: 92
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Stay Strong, Owen. (with footnotes!)
Owen Wilson, everyone's favorite blood haired, messed up nose goofball, tried to kill himself earlier this week. I, for one, was incredibly shocked and somewhat saddened to hear such news. I've been a fan of Owen Wilson ever since I found out he co-wrote The Royal Tennenbaums, and his characters in Zoolander, Meet the Parents / Fockers, and Wedding Crashers are among my favorites of all time. Hell, I'm pretty sure the character of Dupree in Me, You, and Dupree was loosely based on my life. So to hear that a guy who has more money than he could imagine, is pretty decent looking, and can basically get any girl he ever wanted tried to off himself, it really made me think.
See, apparently Wilson tried to kill himself because of his recent breakup with mega slut Kate Hudson, and her new exciting relationship with Brad Pitt. Oh wait, what's that? She's not going out with Brad Pitt? Who is it then? Tom Brady? Denzel Washington? Tom Hanks? No? Wait, What?? Did you just say DAX SHEPPARD? The obnoxious jackass(1) from Punk'd? What The Hell???
See, some people might think of this as a sign that just because you have lots of money, fame, power, all that good stuff, you won't be truly happy until you are spending your life with your someone that you are in love with. Well Sean says BULLSHIT. This is just another example of a decent man giving into the powers of some floozie who apparently has no idea what she wants, considering she dumped a mega star like Owen Wilson for, ugh, Dax Sheppard. Poor Owen Wilson sees Kate "The Holylwood Whore" Hudson vacationing in Maui or something with this scrawny poser named Dax, thinks to himself "Wow do I really suck that much where Kate Hudson would rather date Dax Sheppard rather than me?" and he goes and slits his wrists.
Shame on Kate Hudson for flaunting her new found romance all over the mass media and youtube. But also, Shame on Owen Wilson for giving into the powers of an evil minded woman. This is exactly what she wanted you to do, Owen. I'm assuming she doesn't actually like Dax Sheppard (2), she was just using the biggest NOBODY in Hollywood to make you feel real shitty about yourself. She got what she wanted. She might even break up with Dax in a week and find somebody even lower (3) than him in Hollywood to parade around town, in hopes that Dax might attempt suicide himself (wishful thinking).
This post was hastily put together. Stay Strong, Owen Wilson.
(1) Obnoxious jackass not named Ashton Kutcher
(2) Nobody actually likes Dax Sheppard. Dax Sheppards parent's hate Dax Sheppard.
(3) Carrot Top?
See, apparently Wilson tried to kill himself because of his recent breakup with mega slut Kate Hudson, and her new exciting relationship with Brad Pitt. Oh wait, what's that? She's not going out with Brad Pitt? Who is it then? Tom Brady? Denzel Washington? Tom Hanks? No? Wait, What?? Did you just say DAX SHEPPARD? The obnoxious jackass(1) from Punk'd? What The Hell???
See, some people might think of this as a sign that just because you have lots of money, fame, power, all that good stuff, you won't be truly happy until you are spending your life with your someone that you are in love with. Well Sean says BULLSHIT. This is just another example of a decent man giving into the powers of some floozie who apparently has no idea what she wants, considering she dumped a mega star like Owen Wilson for, ugh, Dax Sheppard. Poor Owen Wilson sees Kate "The Holylwood Whore" Hudson vacationing in Maui or something with this scrawny poser named Dax, thinks to himself "Wow do I really suck that much where Kate Hudson would rather date Dax Sheppard rather than me?" and he goes and slits his wrists.
Shame on Kate Hudson for flaunting her new found romance all over the mass media and youtube. But also, Shame on Owen Wilson for giving into the powers of an evil minded woman. This is exactly what she wanted you to do, Owen. I'm assuming she doesn't actually like Dax Sheppard (2), she was just using the biggest NOBODY in Hollywood to make you feel real shitty about yourself. She got what she wanted. She might even break up with Dax in a week and find somebody even lower (3) than him in Hollywood to parade around town, in hopes that Dax might attempt suicide himself (wishful thinking).
This post was hastily put together. Stay Strong, Owen Wilson.
(1) Obnoxious jackass not named Ashton Kutcher
(2) Nobody actually likes Dax Sheppard. Dax Sheppards parent's hate Dax Sheppard.
(3) Carrot Top?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
An Open Letter.
Dear Residents of Levittown / Hicksville / Bethpage / Westbury / Wantagh / Long Island in general:
On behalf of all runners / joggers / speed walkers / old people walkers, I request that you do the following, to make the lives of those of us who are trying to improve our lives through fitness just a little bit more enjoyable...
1. Keep your fu*king dogs inside your house after sunset. Often times while running, I am sort of in my own world, not really paying attention to my surroundings.. just running. So you can imagine what it may be like while running down a street, just minding your own business, when a 240 pound mutt comes charging at you from inside of a fenced yard. It's enough of a scare to make you skip around and look like a Nancy boy.
2. Keep the lids on your fu*king garbage. I have found that the absolute worst night to go for a run on Long Island is Thursday Nights. Why? Because apparently every single township has some kind of garbage or recycling pick up on Friday morning. So every single person on this Island has their garbage out, and being the mass consumers that we are, there is never enough room in 2 garbage pails for all our shit, so of course there is an overflow garbage just sitting on curbs and pails overloaded. Mix this with the extreme heat humidity of a Long Island August, and the whole town is literally covered with a nasty stench. If I wanted to go for a 12 mile run with the constant smell of old gross garbage in my nostrils, I would just run from Staten Island to New Jersey.
3. Chill with the fu*king light sensors. Just tonight, I was running down Spindle Road, and I was approaching the last 800 meters of a 15 mile run. You know, sprinting time. I was in the street, away from anyone's personal property, and I was just switching my iPod to my power song (Let's go Crazy by Refused). As I was about to being my sprint to the finish, some idiot house's light sensor goes off, and the next thing I know theres a 40,000 watt light shining on me. I'm man enough to admit that I acted as if I saw the great Ghost of Lester Bangs, and I ran the fastest 800 meters of my life, which is cool, but my heart rate also rose to all time high.
4. Put your fu*king sprinklers on when your supposed to. Everyone knows that your supposed to water your lawn either early in the morning, or at night. It's better for the environment, conserves water, and supposedly its actually better for lawn. Coincidentally, it's also the time when most runners are out running their routes. And while some female runners are scared of getting wet, clydesdale's like myself who sweat a gallon a minute like the occasional sprinkler to run through and perhaps get a quick refill on water.
I expect these changes to be made quickly, Lawn Guyland.
Thank You
Sean
On behalf of all runners / joggers / speed walkers / old people walkers, I request that you do the following, to make the lives of those of us who are trying to improve our lives through fitness just a little bit more enjoyable...
1. Keep your fu*king dogs inside your house after sunset. Often times while running, I am sort of in my own world, not really paying attention to my surroundings.. just running. So you can imagine what it may be like while running down a street, just minding your own business, when a 240 pound mutt comes charging at you from inside of a fenced yard. It's enough of a scare to make you skip around and look like a Nancy boy.
2. Keep the lids on your fu*king garbage. I have found that the absolute worst night to go for a run on Long Island is Thursday Nights. Why? Because apparently every single township has some kind of garbage or recycling pick up on Friday morning. So every single person on this Island has their garbage out, and being the mass consumers that we are, there is never enough room in 2 garbage pails for all our shit, so of course there is an overflow garbage just sitting on curbs and pails overloaded. Mix this with the extreme heat humidity of a Long Island August, and the whole town is literally covered with a nasty stench. If I wanted to go for a 12 mile run with the constant smell of old gross garbage in my nostrils, I would just run from Staten Island to New Jersey.
3. Chill with the fu*king light sensors. Just tonight, I was running down Spindle Road, and I was approaching the last 800 meters of a 15 mile run. You know, sprinting time. I was in the street, away from anyone's personal property, and I was just switching my iPod to my power song (Let's go Crazy by Refused). As I was about to being my sprint to the finish, some idiot house's light sensor goes off, and the next thing I know theres a 40,000 watt light shining on me. I'm man enough to admit that I acted as if I saw the great Ghost of Lester Bangs, and I ran the fastest 800 meters of my life, which is cool, but my heart rate also rose to all time high.
4. Put your fu*king sprinklers on when your supposed to. Everyone knows that your supposed to water your lawn either early in the morning, or at night. It's better for the environment, conserves water, and supposedly its actually better for lawn. Coincidentally, it's also the time when most runners are out running their routes. And while some female runners are scared of getting wet, clydesdale's like myself who sweat a gallon a minute like the occasional sprinkler to run through and perhaps get a quick refill on water.
I expect these changes to be made quickly, Lawn Guyland.
Thank You
Sean
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
To Live or Die on Long Island
As I grow older in age, I find myself thinking more and more about what my future holds. What the hell am I actually gonna do for the rest of my life? Sure, I'm going to school to be an elementary teacher, but I have so many interests these days that even that is uncertain. One day I think I should be going for psychology, the next I'm looking to go for Business, some days I wanna be a gym teacher, and most recently, I've really been considering getting a degree in Leisure Studies. I should have probably thought about these things when I was a teenager, not now while I am approaching my mid twenties, but whatever. No time to dwell on the past you know. One major concern that has crossed my mind is where am I actually going to wind up? I have lived on Long Island for all of my 24 years, and I'm pretty sure I like it, but at the same time I also know for a fact that I hate it. I can kind of see myself living here forever, but I don't think I want to live here forever. So in an attempt to make my decision down the road a little easier, I am going to compile a Pro and Con list about Long Island, and then when I am finally able to start the next chapter in the Book of Sean, I can look back on this list and know what to do.
Why Long Island Sucks.
- Traffic: In the past 6-7 years, I have noticed a really disturbing trend. Rush hour on Long Island is no longer the traditional 7am-9am and 5pm -6pm. No, I'm afraid rush hour has extended it's ugly head into the hours between 5:30am -10am, and 2:30pm -6:30pm. Now, to me this has a really upsetting meaning. People seem to be so caught up in their work lives that they are leaving their homes earlier and staying in their offices later. This leaves people no time for any type of leisure, and everyone knows that I am certainly a man of leisure. In his book titled Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman makes a point concerning traffic. He says that there will never be a point in our lifetimes, or perhaps ever, where there won't be any road construction going on. He wishes there would come a day when he can drive from New York to California where he won't see any type of traffic due to road construction. While that is some really wishful thinking, I would love to see the day when I can travel from Levittown to Northport without seeing any type of traffic.
- Cost of living: For reasons that no one can ever really explain to me, Long Island, and New York in general, is a ridiculously expensive place to live. To me, it makes no sense that we have to pay $3.50 per gallon of gas, while 30 miles away in New Jersey they are paying $2.75. But that is just a beginning. Nassau County is the sixth richest country in the United States. Because the average household income is over $75,000, everyone is expected to pay taxes out the ass and insane prices for everything else. An insurance agent once told me that just because I live in Nassau, I can expect to pay an insane amount more than anyone else in the country for car insurance. It's nearly impossible to live like that. I don't want to short change myself, but who knows if I'll ever be making over 75 grand. The average teacher in NY makes about $55,000 per year. Thats $20,000 less than the average income in Nassau County. Now compare that to a place like, oh I don't know, Pennsylvania for example. The average teacher there makes 52k a year. The average income? 50k. You figure out the rest.
- Billy Joel: For some reason, just being from Long Island automatically makes you a Billy Joel fan. Well here's a shocker. I hate Billy Joel. I think his music is depressing, his piano skills are terrible overrated, and he can't drive. And it's so annoying when every stupid bar around here plays his lame songs, everybody goes wild and acts as if they haven't heard "Piano Man" 1200 times.
- Misc: Too many malls, it's cold in the winter, not enough open space, girls wear too much makeup, the Long Island Railroad, the scene is dead, no mountains, no support for the Islanders, and a terrible public library system.
Why Long Island is OK.
- It is an island: I have to admit, living on an island is kinda cool. Being 20 minutes from water no matter where you are is nice. Long Island has some great surf spots and some cool kayaking spots as well. I would never be seen at Jones Beach on a summer day, but running there in the winter is awesome. And the boardwalk at night is one of the most under appreciated things on the island. And I really like to say "I live on Long Island." Because I do live on an island. You can't say "I live on Cleveland." Cleveland isn't an island.
But I don't know exactly where I want to end up either. I always envisioned myself living in California, and I fell in love with San Diego the two times that I've been there. It seems like it's just the place I need to be. I could wear shorts all year round and not look crazy, listen to indie rock radio stations, ride my bike everywhere, and just enjoy life while still making New York type money. I've never been to Denver, but for some reason I think I would like it there too.
But, for the time being, I suppose I should just concentrate on finishing school up, moving back out of my parent's house, and keep on enjoying life, and when the time comes for me to begin my next journey, I'll know what to do.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The Downfall of Society
As I was walking around downtown Brooklyn on a 2 hour lunch break the other day, I looked around. Downtown Brooklyn has become pretty nice over the last few years, and from what I hear it is becoming a popular destination for young people. And as I surveyed the scene I noticed tons of hipster doofueses (doofi?) and hundreds of indie chicks with stupid lawn mower haircuts. Something else I noticed, and I've been noticing this for the better part of 2 years now, was that everyone, and I mean everyone was using some kind of electronic device, whether it be a cell phone with bluetooth technology, an iPod, or one of those god forsaken Sidekicks.
As I walked around disgusted with all of the technological bullshit going on around me, I noticed a young, hip couple walking with a baby in a baby stroller. The couple couldn't have been much older than I, I would say the husband was 27 and the wife 26. The child, which I think was a boy, was maybe 18 months old. Everything seemed to look normal, until I looked at the parents' heads. The dad had iPod headphones on, and the mother was yapping away on her cell phone. As I studied them, I noticed that the little baby became unsettled, and was beginning to cry. The father obviously could not hear the poor little fella over the new White Stripes album he was blasting into his earlobes, and the mother could not be bothered to check on little Billy because she was way too into the conversation she was having with her girlfriend. The baby cried for a good 90 seconds before the mother hung up her phone and picked him up. The dad just kept listening to his iPod.
There a few things that I found wrong about this situation. First of all, this couple could not have been married for very long. I would say at the most 2 years. Is it possible that a newlywed couple has already run out of things to say to each other within 2 years? Do they really need to be ignoring each others company on a casual stroll through the neighborhood? I mean I'm against marriage to begin with, but if I ever do wind up getting hitched, you better believe I'm gonna keep it interesting enough to at least hold a conversation for a few years, even if it includes cheating on my wife. Secondly, they had a child with them! Anytime I babysit, I'm pretty much focusing most of my attention on those that I am babysitting. I don't isolate myself in a different room with my boombox blaring and chat on my cellphone. I make sure that the baby is happy. If they cry, I can usually tend to them within 10-15 seconds. Not only is this couple doomed to spend the rest of their lives together, but their son is going to wind up hating at least one of them for their constant neglect of him, and he has no chance of ever being in a successful relationship, all because mommy and daddy couldn't part with their stupid gadgets and gizmos on a stroll through downtown Brooklyn.
The Sidekick is another technological marvel that I believe is doing much more harm than good in the world. As far as I'm concerned, the Sidekick is not a cell phone. It's AIM in your pocket. All the stupid thing is good for is people IMing each other in bars, in malls, while walking around, on the subway, wherever and whenever. I don't know that I've actually seen one person ever use a Sidekick to actually make a phone call. But why would you want to make a phone call when you can just type what needs to be said? Actually speaking to someone might be too personal. I get it. And is there anything more pathetic than going to a show (punk, hardcore, indie, ska, whatever) and in between sets seeing every stupid non conforming little rebel oi! kid on their dumb Sidekick's changing their away message to say "OMG Hearts That Hate just played and they were rawkin! srsly!1!!" Ugh, its terrible. And the next time that I'm talking to someone (like actually talking to them, in person) and they take out their Sidekick and I hear that universal IM sound go off, I might just take the Sidekick and "Sidekick" it into a lake.
As I was standing in line at the Post Office the other day, the woman behind me was speaking very loud. Loud enough to the point where I was getting annoyed. But I figured she was talking to someone, perhaps her daughter, on line with her, so I didn't turn around and shoot her a nasty look or anything ( I don't know that I'm actually capable of shooting a nasty look, but I can pretend). As her conversation continued and got louder and louder, she began to laugh, or in her case, cackle louder than an old hen. Now, I don't know if you've ever been in a post office before, but it's not necessarily a happy place. People just go there, wait in line with blank stares, and wait to be called upon. Rarely is there an incident at the post office that would cause this woman, or any normal human, to laugh in the matter in which she was laughing. At this point, other people in the line were beginning to shoot their own nasty looks at her, so I decided to join in the fun. I turned around, and to my surprise, there was no one on line with her. Even more surprising, she did not seem to be on her cell phone, either. She was just obviously a mental patient who had escaped and decided to come to the Levittown Post Office and have an extensive conversation with herself. Ok, no big deal I thought, and for a second I felt sorry for her. Until she turned around. It was then that I realized that this wench had a blue light coming from her ear and was holding a cell phone in her hand. She was using one of those goddamn Bluetooth things and had actually been on the phone this whole time, annoying everyone else on line. Once she noticed everyone looking at her in disgust, she said to whoever it was she was speaking with "Oh now everyone in line thinks I'm speaking to myself" and continued to chat away.
This was not the first time that I've had this kind of situation with the bluetooth. The problem with the bluetooth is that if you are unaware that someone is using it, it looks as if the person is talking to you. I was at the supermarket once and some frat bro was on the bluetooth with one of his bro's and he goes "I'll kick your ass in Madden." But he was looking at me, and I didn't know he was "toothing." I suck at Madden, but in my defense I said "What? No you won't." He just pointed to his cell phone, picked up a case of Bud Light and continued on his merry way. This is a sitaution that I can envision happening thousands of times per day throughout the world. The only solution that I can think of is to make anyone who is using a bluetooth wear a shirt, or maybe a big button, that says "I'm using bluetooth, and I'm also a douche."
Now, don't get me wrong... I love technology. I like having a cell phone, I like instant messaging, I love myspace. But I also know there is a place and time for it, and it's not while your tending to a baby or in a quiet office, that's for sure.
As I walked around disgusted with all of the technological bullshit going on around me, I noticed a young, hip couple walking with a baby in a baby stroller. The couple couldn't have been much older than I, I would say the husband was 27 and the wife 26. The child, which I think was a boy, was maybe 18 months old. Everything seemed to look normal, until I looked at the parents' heads. The dad had iPod headphones on, and the mother was yapping away on her cell phone. As I studied them, I noticed that the little baby became unsettled, and was beginning to cry. The father obviously could not hear the poor little fella over the new White Stripes album he was blasting into his earlobes, and the mother could not be bothered to check on little Billy because she was way too into the conversation she was having with her girlfriend. The baby cried for a good 90 seconds before the mother hung up her phone and picked him up. The dad just kept listening to his iPod.
There a few things that I found wrong about this situation. First of all, this couple could not have been married for very long. I would say at the most 2 years. Is it possible that a newlywed couple has already run out of things to say to each other within 2 years? Do they really need to be ignoring each others company on a casual stroll through the neighborhood? I mean I'm against marriage to begin with, but if I ever do wind up getting hitched, you better believe I'm gonna keep it interesting enough to at least hold a conversation for a few years, even if it includes cheating on my wife. Secondly, they had a child with them! Anytime I babysit, I'm pretty much focusing most of my attention on those that I am babysitting. I don't isolate myself in a different room with my boombox blaring and chat on my cellphone. I make sure that the baby is happy. If they cry, I can usually tend to them within 10-15 seconds. Not only is this couple doomed to spend the rest of their lives together, but their son is going to wind up hating at least one of them for their constant neglect of him, and he has no chance of ever being in a successful relationship, all because mommy and daddy couldn't part with their stupid gadgets and gizmos on a stroll through downtown Brooklyn.
The Sidekick is another technological marvel that I believe is doing much more harm than good in the world. As far as I'm concerned, the Sidekick is not a cell phone. It's AIM in your pocket. All the stupid thing is good for is people IMing each other in bars, in malls, while walking around, on the subway, wherever and whenever. I don't know that I've actually seen one person ever use a Sidekick to actually make a phone call. But why would you want to make a phone call when you can just type what needs to be said? Actually speaking to someone might be too personal. I get it. And is there anything more pathetic than going to a show (punk, hardcore, indie, ska, whatever) and in between sets seeing every stupid non conforming little rebel oi! kid on their dumb Sidekick's changing their away message to say "OMG Hearts That Hate just played and they were rawkin! srsly!1!!" Ugh, its terrible. And the next time that I'm talking to someone (like actually talking to them, in person) and they take out their Sidekick and I hear that universal IM sound go off, I might just take the Sidekick and "Sidekick" it into a lake.
As I was standing in line at the Post Office the other day, the woman behind me was speaking very loud. Loud enough to the point where I was getting annoyed. But I figured she was talking to someone, perhaps her daughter, on line with her, so I didn't turn around and shoot her a nasty look or anything ( I don't know that I'm actually capable of shooting a nasty look, but I can pretend). As her conversation continued and got louder and louder, she began to laugh, or in her case, cackle louder than an old hen. Now, I don't know if you've ever been in a post office before, but it's not necessarily a happy place. People just go there, wait in line with blank stares, and wait to be called upon. Rarely is there an incident at the post office that would cause this woman, or any normal human, to laugh in the matter in which she was laughing. At this point, other people in the line were beginning to shoot their own nasty looks at her, so I decided to join in the fun. I turned around, and to my surprise, there was no one on line with her. Even more surprising, she did not seem to be on her cell phone, either. She was just obviously a mental patient who had escaped and decided to come to the Levittown Post Office and have an extensive conversation with herself. Ok, no big deal I thought, and for a second I felt sorry for her. Until she turned around. It was then that I realized that this wench had a blue light coming from her ear and was holding a cell phone in her hand. She was using one of those goddamn Bluetooth things and had actually been on the phone this whole time, annoying everyone else on line. Once she noticed everyone looking at her in disgust, she said to whoever it was she was speaking with "Oh now everyone in line thinks I'm speaking to myself" and continued to chat away.
This was not the first time that I've had this kind of situation with the bluetooth. The problem with the bluetooth is that if you are unaware that someone is using it, it looks as if the person is talking to you. I was at the supermarket once and some frat bro was on the bluetooth with one of his bro's and he goes "I'll kick your ass in Madden." But he was looking at me, and I didn't know he was "toothing." I suck at Madden, but in my defense I said "What? No you won't." He just pointed to his cell phone, picked up a case of Bud Light and continued on his merry way. This is a sitaution that I can envision happening thousands of times per day throughout the world. The only solution that I can think of is to make anyone who is using a bluetooth wear a shirt, or maybe a big button, that says "I'm using bluetooth, and I'm also a douche."
Now, don't get me wrong... I love technology. I like having a cell phone, I like instant messaging, I love myspace. But I also know there is a place and time for it, and it's not while your tending to a baby or in a quiet office, that's for sure.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Heiress Courtship Time
I'm 24 years old. I'm still going to school. I'm paying thousands of dollars a year to get a stupid piece of paper that will let me work for the rest of my life. I don't want to work for the rest of my life. I want to retire immediately. I do not have, by any means, the finances needed to retire at 24. I don't have the computer skills to create a social networking site and then sell it to Fox for 580 million dollars (screw off Tom). I do not have the musical skills to create the next big blazing hip hop and r&b single. And I certainly was not born into a family where I will be inheriting billions and a few estates any time soon.
But some people were born into those kinds of families, which is why I have decided to halt everything in my life and will now be concentrating on courting some of the worlds hottest heiresses. I have decided for once in my life I should take the easy way out, and the easiest way I could think of is by obviously making a billionaire heiress fall in love with me, marry me, bear my children, divorce her and then take half of her inheritance, including property in foreign islands. I'm going to start my courtship by choosing 5 of the 10 Hottest Heiresses according to Forbes Magazine.
Holly Branson
Forbes Bio: Bubbly blond daughter of brash Virgin mogul Richard Branson is a doctor in London who received her med school degree in pediatrics. Longtime pal of Britain's most eligible man, Prince William, she vacationed with him and his ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton last year. More recently, she has been all over the press after spending a night dancing and chatting with the newly single prince at a London nightclub. Holly maintains they are just friends. The public seems to disagree: Holly once won BBC Channel 4's "A Wife for William" contest with 43% of the vote.
Why it would work: Holly is only one year older than me. She is bubbly. And I have the utmost respect for her father, Sir Richard Branson. That man is a lunatic, and I love it. He's always doing something crazy, like trying to fly around the world tied to balloons and stuff.
Odds of us getting together: 200 to 1. I think if we ever met we would really hit it off. The only thing standing in the way of our eternal happiness is clearly Prince William. If I could just eliminate him (freak polo accident perhaps?), I will invite Holly to come party at the Boardy Barn with me. Heiresses love the Hamptons, but I think Holly has more in common with me when it comes to partying.. all day drink fests and loud music. If NBC channel 4 ever has a "Wife for Sean" contest, she would surely win.
Amanda Hearst
Forbes Bio: Great-granddaughter of publishing legend William Randolph Hearst and niece of the famously kidnapped and brainwashed Patty Hearst, Amanda is a well-known New York socialite who was once featured in a Harper's Bazaar article detailing her annual maintenance cost of $136,360. The student and model is the face of preppy designer Lilly Pulitzer, and she appeared recently on the cover of Hamptons magazine. The heiress is also a member of environmental nonprofit organization Riverkeeper.
Why it would work: Amanda is a blond, I like blondes. She's from NY, i'm from NY too. Most importantly, she is an environmentalist. And although I'm more of a Surfrider type of guy than a Riverkeeper type of guy, I'm sure we could talk about the important global issues over cage-free chicken dinners at an expensive restaurant in Maui.
Odds of us getting together: 136, 160 to 1. Her annual maintenance cost is about 200 dollars more than I can ever envision myself spending on the maintenance of a woman. I don't even know how to maintain a woman. Is it like maintaining a car? Do I have to pay for her to get an oil change every 3 months? I don't know, but her high maintenance would probably clash with my manly ego, and it would just be a mess for all parties involved. Stay away from me Amanda.
Dylan Lauren
Forbes Bio:Daughter of all-American fashion icon Ralph Lauren, Dylan has found her own sweet spot. The candy entrepreneur sells an array of treats from Jelly Belly, Mars and Hershey at her Dylan's Candy Bar stores, now with five locations nationwide. The stores feature party rooms, candy spas and such gifts as candy pillows, T-shirts and scarves. A former cover girl for Hamptons magazine and Town & Country, Dylan has made recent appearances on the Today and Martha Stewart shows.
Why it would work: Our mutual love of candy. Dylan's Candy Bar is one of the only reasons I ever go to Roosevelt Field Mall. I am a collector of Pez Dispensers, and my sweet Dylan always has the newest dispensers in stock the day they come out. The prices are a little high, but thats the way heiresses roll I suppose. I would assume that once we were married she would give me the candy stores so that she could concentrate on other things, like going to social clubs and dinner parties. After the divorce, I would keep the candy stores, rename them to Uncle Seany's Candy Emporium, and lower the prices significantly. I would be a hero to children young and old, and would make enough money to have my own little heiresses.
Odds of us getting together: 2100 to 1. Although we both do have a sweet tooth, she also has a long tooth. Dylan is 32 years old, and from what I have read she is in no rush to settle down anytime soon. I also have the fashion sense of a mentally challenged baboon, so I'm sure her father, Ralph Lauren, would hate me. But it would be freakin awesome to be the king of a candy empire.
Paris and Nicky Hilton
Forbes Bio (Paris): Suddenly life isn't so simple for the world's original celebutante. Great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, Paris was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. The suspension came after an alcohol-related reckless driving incident. It was the defining moment for a year full of tabloid-worthy fodder: a public proclamation of celibacy, a reunion with once-estranged Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie last October and countless rumored romances
Forbes Bio (Nicky): Paris' little sister, Nicky, generated her own buzz with a two-year relationship with Entourage star Kevin Connolly that ended last summer and with her much publicized forays into the hotel business, which quickly flopped. Her Nicky O hotel in Florida's trendy South Beach reportedly went bankrupt, and a Chicago developer sued her and her agent over another hotel project in the Windy City. The case was dismissed.
Why it would work (Paris): It wouldn't. I hate her with all of my heart.
Why it would work (Nicky): I saw Nicky Hilton at a diner in California last year with Entourage star and then current boyfriend Kevin Connolly. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I'm almost positive she smiled at me and told one of her bodyguards that she wanted to do me. I was slightly drunk if I remember correctly, but even still, me and Nicky would be great together. She obviously loves Entourage, so she has a sense of humor. I'm a pretty funny guy. I also like her because she's not like her stupid sister Paris, who annoys me so much that if I saw her at the diner I would have thrown my eggs at her. I also once saw a video of Nicky on an Indo board. I love my Indo board.
Odds of us getting together (Paris): 4 million to 2. Sorry Paris, I don't date convicts. I also don't date crackheads who slept with half of Hollywood and most of the NFL. Take note, Lindsay Lohan.
Odds of us getting together (Nicky): 15 to 1. I feel like Nicky might not have experienced some of the things normal children did growing up, and I think I would be the perfect man to show her some fun. I would take to play some mini golf, ride a ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and watch cartoons. I would also teach her how to throw a frisbee, and invite her to be on my Ultimate Frisbee team. She would surely marry me after that. I might not even divorce her, because I love staying in hotels so much, and since she is the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, that could be a nice hookup.
So there you have it, billionaire ladies. You now know a little more about me, and I will leave it to you fight amongst yourselves to see who gets a piece of the Sean pie.
But some people were born into those kinds of families, which is why I have decided to halt everything in my life and will now be concentrating on courting some of the worlds hottest heiresses. I have decided for once in my life I should take the easy way out, and the easiest way I could think of is by obviously making a billionaire heiress fall in love with me, marry me, bear my children, divorce her and then take half of her inheritance, including property in foreign islands. I'm going to start my courtship by choosing 5 of the 10 Hottest Heiresses according to Forbes Magazine.
Holly Branson
Forbes Bio: Bubbly blond daughter of brash Virgin mogul Richard Branson is a doctor in London who received her med school degree in pediatrics. Longtime pal of Britain's most eligible man, Prince William, she vacationed with him and his ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton last year. More recently, she has been all over the press after spending a night dancing and chatting with the newly single prince at a London nightclub. Holly maintains they are just friends. The public seems to disagree: Holly once won BBC Channel 4's "A Wife for William" contest with 43% of the vote.
Why it would work: Holly is only one year older than me. She is bubbly. And I have the utmost respect for her father, Sir Richard Branson. That man is a lunatic, and I love it. He's always doing something crazy, like trying to fly around the world tied to balloons and stuff.
Odds of us getting together: 200 to 1. I think if we ever met we would really hit it off. The only thing standing in the way of our eternal happiness is clearly Prince William. If I could just eliminate him (freak polo accident perhaps?), I will invite Holly to come party at the Boardy Barn with me. Heiresses love the Hamptons, but I think Holly has more in common with me when it comes to partying.. all day drink fests and loud music. If NBC channel 4 ever has a "Wife for Sean" contest, she would surely win.
Amanda Hearst
Forbes Bio: Great-granddaughter of publishing legend William Randolph Hearst and niece of the famously kidnapped and brainwashed Patty Hearst, Amanda is a well-known New York socialite who was once featured in a Harper's Bazaar article detailing her annual maintenance cost of $136,360. The student and model is the face of preppy designer Lilly Pulitzer, and she appeared recently on the cover of Hamptons magazine. The heiress is also a member of environmental nonprofit organization Riverkeeper.
Why it would work: Amanda is a blond, I like blondes. She's from NY, i'm from NY too. Most importantly, she is an environmentalist. And although I'm more of a Surfrider type of guy than a Riverkeeper type of guy, I'm sure we could talk about the important global issues over cage-free chicken dinners at an expensive restaurant in Maui.
Odds of us getting together: 136, 160 to 1. Her annual maintenance cost is about 200 dollars more than I can ever envision myself spending on the maintenance of a woman. I don't even know how to maintain a woman. Is it like maintaining a car? Do I have to pay for her to get an oil change every 3 months? I don't know, but her high maintenance would probably clash with my manly ego, and it would just be a mess for all parties involved. Stay away from me Amanda.
Dylan Lauren
Forbes Bio:Daughter of all-American fashion icon Ralph Lauren, Dylan has found her own sweet spot. The candy entrepreneur sells an array of treats from Jelly Belly, Mars and Hershey at her Dylan's Candy Bar stores, now with five locations nationwide. The stores feature party rooms, candy spas and such gifts as candy pillows, T-shirts and scarves. A former cover girl for Hamptons magazine and Town & Country, Dylan has made recent appearances on the Today and Martha Stewart shows. Why it would work: Our mutual love of candy. Dylan's Candy Bar is one of the only reasons I ever go to Roosevelt Field Mall. I am a collector of Pez Dispensers, and my sweet Dylan always has the newest dispensers in stock the day they come out. The prices are a little high, but thats the way heiresses roll I suppose. I would assume that once we were married she would give me the candy stores so that she could concentrate on other things, like going to social clubs and dinner parties. After the divorce, I would keep the candy stores, rename them to Uncle Seany's Candy Emporium, and lower the prices significantly. I would be a hero to children young and old, and would make enough money to have my own little heiresses.
Odds of us getting together: 2100 to 1. Although we both do have a sweet tooth, she also has a long tooth. Dylan is 32 years old, and from what I have read she is in no rush to settle down anytime soon. I also have the fashion sense of a mentally challenged baboon, so I'm sure her father, Ralph Lauren, would hate me. But it would be freakin awesome to be the king of a candy empire.
Paris and Nicky Hilton
Forbes Bio (Paris): Suddenly life isn't so simple for the world's original celebutante. Great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, Paris was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. The suspension came after an alcohol-related reckless driving incident. It was the defining moment for a year full of tabloid-worthy fodder: a public proclamation of celibacy, a reunion with once-estranged Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie last October and countless rumored romances
Forbes Bio (Nicky): Paris' little sister, Nicky, generated her own buzz with a two-year relationship with Entourage star Kevin Connolly that ended last summer and with her much publicized forays into the hotel business, which quickly flopped. Her Nicky O hotel in Florida's trendy South Beach reportedly went bankrupt, and a Chicago developer sued her and her agent over another hotel project in the Windy City. The case was dismissed.
Why it would work (Paris): It wouldn't. I hate her with all of my heart.
Why it would work (Nicky): I saw Nicky Hilton at a diner in California last year with Entourage star and then current boyfriend Kevin Connolly. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I'm almost positive she smiled at me and told one of her bodyguards that she wanted to do me. I was slightly drunk if I remember correctly, but even still, me and Nicky would be great together. She obviously loves Entourage, so she has a sense of humor. I'm a pretty funny guy. I also like her because she's not like her stupid sister Paris, who annoys me so much that if I saw her at the diner I would have thrown my eggs at her. I also once saw a video of Nicky on an Indo board. I love my Indo board.
Odds of us getting together (Paris): 4 million to 2. Sorry Paris, I don't date convicts. I also don't date crackheads who slept with half of Hollywood and most of the NFL. Take note, Lindsay Lohan.
Odds of us getting together (Nicky): 15 to 1. I feel like Nicky might not have experienced some of the things normal children did growing up, and I think I would be the perfect man to show her some fun. I would take to play some mini golf, ride a ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and watch cartoons. I would also teach her how to throw a frisbee, and invite her to be on my Ultimate Frisbee team. She would surely marry me after that. I might not even divorce her, because I love staying in hotels so much, and since she is the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, that could be a nice hookup.
So there you have it, billionaire ladies. You now know a little more about me, and I will leave it to you fight amongst yourselves to see who gets a piece of the Sean pie.
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