Stay Strong, Owen. (with footnotes!)

Owen Wilson, everyone's favorite blood haired, messed up nose goofball, tried to kill himself earlier this week. I, for one, was incredibly shocked and somewhat saddened to hear such news. I've been a fan of Owen Wilson ever since I found out he co-wrote The Royal Tennenbaums, and his characters in Zoolander, Meet the Parents / Fockers, and Wedding Crashers are among my favorites of all time. Hell, I'm pretty sure the character of Dupree in Me, You, and Dupree was loosely based on my life. So to hear that a guy who has more money than he could imagine, is pretty decent looking, and can basically get any girl he ever wanted tried to off himself, it really made me think.

See, apparently Wilson tried to kill himself because of his recent breakup with mega slut Kate Hudson, and her new exciting relationship with Brad Pitt. Oh wait, what's that? She's not going out with Brad Pitt? Who is it then? Tom Brady? Denzel Washington? Tom Hanks? No? Wait, What?? Did you just say DAX SHEPPARD? The obnoxious jackass(1) from Punk'd? What The Hell???

See, some people might think of this as a sign that just because you have lots of money, fame, power, all that good stuff, you won't be truly happy until you are spending your life with your someone that you are in love with. Well Sean says BULLSHIT. This is just another example of a decent man giving into the powers of some floozie who apparently has no idea what she wants, considering she dumped a mega star like Owen Wilson for, ugh, Dax Sheppard. Poor Owen Wilson sees Kate "The Holylwood Whore" Hudson vacationing in Maui or something with this scrawny poser named Dax, thinks to himself "Wow do I really suck that much where Kate Hudson would rather date Dax Sheppard rather than me?" and he goes and slits his wrists.

Shame on Kate Hudson for flaunting her new found romance all over the mass media and youtube. But also, Shame on Owen Wilson for giving into the powers of an evil minded woman. This is exactly what she wanted you to do, Owen. I'm assuming she doesn't actually like Dax Sheppard (2), she was just using the biggest NOBODY in Hollywood to make you feel real shitty about yourself. She got what she wanted. She might even break up with Dax in a week and find somebody even lower (3) than him in Hollywood to parade around town, in hopes that Dax might attempt suicide himself (wishful thinking).

This post was hastily put together. Stay Strong, Owen Wilson.

(1) Obnoxious jackass not named Ashton Kutcher
(2) Nobody actually likes Dax Sheppard. Dax Sheppards parent's hate Dax Sheppard.
(3) Carrot Top?

To Live or Die on Long Island

As I grow older in age, I find myself thinking more and more about what my future holds. What the hell am I actually gonna do for the rest of my life? Sure, I'm going to school to be an elementary teacher, but I have so many interests these days that even that is uncertain. One day I think I should be going for psychology, the next I'm looking to go for Business, some days I wanna be a gym teacher, and most recently, I've really been considering getting a degree in Leisure Studies. I should have probably thought about these things when I was a teenager, not now while I am approaching my mid twenties, but whatever. No time to dwell on the past you know. One major concern that has crossed my mind is where am I actually going to wind up? I have lived on Long Island for all of my 24 years, and I'm pretty sure I like it, but at the same time I also know for a fact that I hate it. I can kind of see myself living here forever, but I don't think I want to live here forever. So in an attempt to make my decision down the road a little easier, I am going to compile a Pro and Con list about Long Island, and then when I am finally able to start the next chapter in the Book of Sean, I can look back on this list and know what to do.


Why Long Island Sucks.

• Traffic: In the past 6-7 years, I have noticed a really disturbing trend. Rush hour on Long Island is no longer the traditional 7am-9am and 5pm -6pm. No, I'm afraid rush hour has extended it's ugly head into the hours between 5:30am -10am, and 2:30pm -6:30pm. Now, to me this has a really upsetting meaning. People seem to be so caught up in their work lives that they are leaving their homes earlier and staying in their offices later. This leaves people no time for any type of leisure, and everyone knows that I am certainly a man of leisure. In his book titled Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman makes a point concerning traffic. He says that there will never be a point in our lifetimes, or perhaps ever, where there won't be any road construction going on. He wishes there would come a day when he can drive from New York to California where he won't see any type of traffic due to road construction. While that is some really wishful thinking, I would love to see the day when I can travel from Levittown to Northport without seeing any type of traffic.

• Cost of living: For reasons that no one can ever really explain to me, Long Island, and New York in general, is a ridiculously expensive place to live. To me, it makes no sense that we have to pay $3.50 per gallon of gas, while 30 miles away in New Jersey they are paying $2.75. But that is just a beginning. Nassau County is the sixth richest country in the United States. Because the average household income is over $75,000, everyone is expected to pay taxes out the ass and insane prices for everything else. An insurance agent once told me that just because I live in Nassau, I can expect to pay an insane amount more than anyone else in the country for car insurance. It's nearly impossible to live like that. I don't want to short change myself, but who knows if I'll ever be making over 75 grand. The average teacher in NY makes about $55,000 per year. Thats $20,000 less than the average income in Nassau County. Now compare that to a place like, oh I don't know, Pennsylvania for example. The average teacher there makes 52k a year. The average income? 50k. You figure out the rest.

• Billy Joel: For some reason, just being from Long Island automatically makes you a Billy Joel fan. Well here's a shocker. I hate Billy Joel. I think his music is depressing, his piano skills are terrible overrated, and he can't drive. And it's so annoying when every stupid bar around here plays his lame songs, everybody goes wild and acts as if they haven't heard "Piano Man" 1200 times.
  

• Misc: Too many malls, it's cold in the winter, not enough open space, girls wear too much makeup, the Long Island Railroad, the scene is dead, no mountains, no support for the Islanders, and a terrible public library system.

Why Long Island is OK.

• It is an island: I have to admit, living on an island is kinda cool. Being 20 minutes from water no matter where you are is nice. Long Island has some great surf spots and some cool kayaking spots as well. I would never be seen at Jones Beach on a summer day, but running there in the winter is awesome. And the boardwalk at night is one of the most under appreciated things on the island. And I really like to say "I live on Long Island." Because I do live on an island. You can't say "I live on Cleveland." Cleveland isn't an island.
  

Aside from my family and friends living here, there's not much more that I could see keeping me here. And while yes, family and friends will surely account for a little more than the weather in my final decisions, If I had decide today, I doubt I would choose to live on Long Island for the rest of my days. Besides being nearly financially impossible to raise a family and maintain a nice life, soon enough Long Island is just going to be a real mess of a place. The population is booming, more and more luxury condos and gated communities are going up, and not nearly enough affordable housing is being built. To be honest, unless you plan on becoming a doctor/lawyer/plastic surgeon/reality star, I can't see anyone being able to survive here much longer.

But I don't know exactly where I want to end up either. I always envisioned myself living in California, and I fell in love with San Diego the two times that I've been there. It seems like it's just the place I need to be. I could wear shorts all year round and not look crazy, listen to indie rock radio stations, ride my bike everywhere, and just enjoy life while still making New York type money. I've never been to Denver, but for some reason I think I would like it there too.

But, for the time being, I suppose I should just concentrate on finishing school up, moving back out of my parent's house, and keep on enjoying life, and when the time comes for me to begin my next journey, I'll know what to do.

Heiress Courtship Time

I'm 24 years old. I'm still going to school. I'm paying thousands of dollars a year to get a stupid piece of paper that will let me work for the rest of my life. I don't want to work for the rest of my life. I want to retire immediately. I do not have, by any means, the finances needed to retire at 24. I don't have the computer skills to create a social networking site and then sell it to Fox for 580 million dollars (screw off Tom). I do not have the musical skills to create the next big blazing hip hop and r&b single. And I certainly was not born into a family where I will be inheriting billions and a few estates any time soon.

But some people were born into those kinds of families, which is why I have decided to halt everything in my life and will now be concentrating on courting some of the worlds hottest heiresses. I have decided for once in my life I should take the easy way out, and the easiest way I could think of is by obviously making a billionaire heiress fall in love with me, marry me, bear my children, divorce her and then take half of her inheritance, including property in foreign islands. I'm going to start my courtship by choosing 5 of the 10 Hottest Heiresses according to Forbes Magazine.

Holly Branson

Forbes Bio: Bubbly blond daughter of brash Virgin mogul Richard Branson is a doctor in London who received her med school degree in pediatrics. Longtime pal of Britain's most eligible man, Prince William, she vacationed with him and his ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton last year. More recently, she has been all over the press after spending a night dancing and chatting with the newly single prince at a London nightclub. Holly maintains they are just friends. The public seems to disagree: Holly once won BBC Channel 4's "A Wife for William" contest with 43% of the vote.

Why it would work: Holly is only one year older than me. She is bubbly. And I have the utmost respect for her father, Sir Richard Branson. That man is a lunatic, and I love it. He's always doing something crazy, like trying to fly around the world tied to balloons and stuff.

Odds of us getting together: 200 to 1. I think if we ever met we would really hit it off. The only thing standing in the way of our eternal happiness is clearly Prince William. If I could just eliminate him (freak polo accident perhaps?), I will invite Holly to come party at the Boardy Barn with me. Heiresses love the Hamptons, but I think Holly has more in common with me when it comes to partying.. all day drink fests and loud music. If NBC channel 4 ever has a "Wife for Sean" contest, she would surely win.

Amanda Hearst
Forbes Bio: Great-granddaughter of publishing legend William Randolph Hearst and niece of the famously kidnapped and brainwashed Patty Hearst, Amanda is a well-known New York socialite who was once featured in a Harper's Bazaar article detailing her annual maintenance cost of $136,360. The student and model is the face of preppy designer Lilly Pulitzer, and she appeared recently on the cover of Hamptons magazine. The heiress is also a member of environmental nonprofit organization Riverkeeper.

Why it would work: Amanda is a blond, I like blondes. She's from NY, i'm from NY too. Most importantly, she is an environmentalist. And although I'm more of a Surfrider type of guy than a Riverkeeper type of guy, I'm sure we could talk about the important global issues over cage-free chicken dinners at an expensive restaurant in Maui.

Odds of us getting together: 136, 160 to 1. Her annual maintenance cost is about 200 dollars more than I can ever envision myself spending on the maintenance of a woman. I don't even know how to maintain a woman. Is it like maintaining a car? Do I have to pay for her to get an oil change every 3 months? I don't know, but her high maintenance would probably clash with my manly ego, and it would just be a mess for all parties involved. Stay away from me Amanda.

Dylan Lauren
Forbes Bio:Daughter of all-American fashion icon Ralph Lauren, Dylan has found her own sweet spot. The candy entrepreneur sells an array of treats from Jelly Belly, Mars and Hershey at her Dylan's Candy Bar stores, now with five locations nationwide. The stores feature party rooms, candy spas and such gifts as candy pillows, T-shirts and scarves. A former cover girl for Hamptons magazine and Town & Country, Dylan has made recent appearances on the Today and Martha Stewart shows.

Why it would work: Our mutual love of candy. Dylan's Candy Bar is one of the only reasons I ever go to Roosevelt Field Mall. I am a collector of Pez Dispensers, and my sweet Dylan always has the newest dispensers in stock the day they come out. The prices are a little high, but thats the way heiresses roll I suppose. I would assume that once we were married she would give me the candy stores so that she could concentrate on other things, like going to social clubs and dinner parties. After the divorce, I would keep the candy stores, rename them to Uncle Seany's Candy Emporium, and lower the prices significantly. I would be a hero to children young and old, and would make enough money to have my own little heiresses.

Odds of us getting together: 2100 to 1. Although we both do have a sweet tooth, she also has a long tooth. Dylan is 32 years old, and from what I have read she is in no rush to settle down anytime soon. I also have the fashion sense of a mentally challenged baboon, so I'm sure her father, Ralph Lauren, would hate me. But it would be freakin awesome to be the king of a candy empire.

Paris and Nicky Hilton

Forbes Bio (Paris): Suddenly life isn't so simple for the world's original celebutante. Great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, Paris was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. The suspension came after an alcohol-related reckless driving incident. It was the defining moment for a year full of tabloid-worthy fodder: a public proclamation of celibacy, a reunion with once-estranged Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie last October and countless rumored romances

Forbes Bio (Nicky): Paris' little sister, Nicky, generated her own buzz with a two-year relationship with Entourage star Kevin Connolly that ended last summer and with her much publicized forays into the hotel business, which quickly flopped. Her Nicky O hotel in Florida's trendy South Beach reportedly went bankrupt, and a Chicago developer sued her and her agent over another hotel project in the Windy City. The case was dismissed.

Why it would work (Paris): It wouldn't. I hate her with all of my heart.

Why it would work (Nicky): I saw Nicky Hilton at a diner in California last year with Entourage star and then current boyfriend Kevin Connolly. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I'm almost positive she smiled at me and told one of her bodyguards that she wanted to do me. I was slightly drunk if I remember correctly, but even still, me and Nicky would be great together. She obviously loves Entourage, so she has a sense of humor. I'm a pretty funny guy. I also like her because she's not like her stupid sister Paris, who annoys me so much that if I saw her at the diner I would have thrown my eggs at her. I also once saw a video of Nicky on an Indo board. I love my Indo board.

Odds of us getting together (Paris): 4 million to 2. Sorry Paris, I don't date convicts. I also don't date crackheads who slept with half of Hollywood and most of the NFL. Take note, Lindsay Lohan.

Odds of us getting together (Nicky): 15 to 1. I feel like Nicky might not have experienced some of the things normal children did growing up, and I think I would be the perfect man to show her some fun. I would take to play some mini golf, ride a ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and watch cartoons. I would also teach her how to throw a frisbee, and invite her to be on my Ultimate Frisbee team. She would surely marry me after that. I might not even divorce her, because I love staying in hotels so much, and since she is the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, that could be a nice hookup.

So there you have it, billionaire ladies. You now know a little more about me, and I will leave it to you fight amongst yourselves to see who gets a piece of the Sean pie.