Stay Strong, Owen. (with footnotes!)

Owen Wilson, everyone's favorite blood haired, messed up nose goofball, tried to kill himself earlier this week. I, for one, was incredibly shocked and somewhat saddened to hear such news. I've been a fan of Owen Wilson ever since I found out he co-wrote The Royal Tennenbaums, and his characters in Zoolander, Meet the Parents / Fockers, and Wedding Crashers are among my favorites of all time. Hell, I'm pretty sure the character of Dupree in Me, You, and Dupree was loosely based on my life. So to hear that a guy who has more money than he could imagine, is pretty decent looking, and can basically get any girl he ever wanted tried to off himself, it really made me think.

See, apparently Wilson tried to kill himself because of his recent breakup with mega slut Kate Hudson, and her new exciting relationship with Brad Pitt. Oh wait, what's that? She's not going out with Brad Pitt? Who is it then? Tom Brady? Denzel Washington? Tom Hanks? No? Wait, What?? Did you just say DAX SHEPPARD? The obnoxious jackass(1) from Punk'd? What The Hell???

See, some people might think of this as a sign that just because you have lots of money, fame, power, all that good stuff, you won't be truly happy until you are spending your life with your someone that you are in love with. Well Sean says BULLSHIT. This is just another example of a decent man giving into the powers of some floozie who apparently has no idea what she wants, considering she dumped a mega star like Owen Wilson for, ugh, Dax Sheppard. Poor Owen Wilson sees Kate "The Holylwood Whore" Hudson vacationing in Maui or something with this scrawny poser named Dax, thinks to himself "Wow do I really suck that much where Kate Hudson would rather date Dax Sheppard rather than me?" and he goes and slits his wrists.

Shame on Kate Hudson for flaunting her new found romance all over the mass media and youtube. But also, Shame on Owen Wilson for giving into the powers of an evil minded woman. This is exactly what she wanted you to do, Owen. I'm assuming she doesn't actually like Dax Sheppard (2), she was just using the biggest NOBODY in Hollywood to make you feel real shitty about yourself. She got what she wanted. She might even break up with Dax in a week and find somebody even lower (3) than him in Hollywood to parade around town, in hopes that Dax might attempt suicide himself (wishful thinking).

This post was hastily put together. Stay Strong, Owen Wilson.

(1) Obnoxious jackass not named Ashton Kutcher
(2) Nobody actually likes Dax Sheppard. Dax Sheppards parent's hate Dax Sheppard.
(3) Carrot Top?