Owen Wilson, everyone's favorite blood haired, messed up nose goofball, tried to kill himself earlier this week. I, for one, was incredibly shocked and somewhat saddened to hear such news. I've been a fan of Owen Wilson ever since I found out he co-wrote The Royal Tennenbaums, and his characters in Zoolander, Meet the Parents / Fockers, and Wedding Crashers are among my favorites of all time. Hell, I'm pretty sure the character of Dupree in Me, You, and Dupree was loosely based on my life. So to hear that a guy who has more money than he could imagine, is pretty decent looking, and can basically get any girl he ever wanted tried to off himself, it really made me think.
See, apparently Wilson tried to kill himself because of his recent breakup with mega slut Kate Hudson, and her new exciting relationship with Brad Pitt. Oh wait, what's that? She's not going out with Brad Pitt? Who is it then? Tom Brady? Denzel Washington? Tom Hanks? No? Wait, What?? Did you just say DAX SHEPPARD? The obnoxious jackass(1) from Punk'd? What The Hell???
See, some people might think of this as a sign that just because you have lots of money, fame, power, all that good stuff, you won't be truly happy until you are spending your life with your someone that you are in love with. Well Sean says BULLSHIT. This is just another example of a decent man giving into the powers of some floozie who apparently has no idea what she wants, considering she dumped a mega star like Owen Wilson for, ugh, Dax Sheppard. Poor Owen Wilson sees Kate "The Holylwood Whore" Hudson vacationing in Maui or something with this scrawny poser named Dax, thinks to himself "Wow do I really suck that much where Kate Hudson would rather date Dax Sheppard rather than me?" and he goes and slits his wrists.
Shame on Kate Hudson for flaunting her new found romance all over the mass media and youtube. But also, Shame on Owen Wilson for giving into the powers of an evil minded woman. This is exactly what she wanted you to do, Owen. I'm assuming she doesn't actually like Dax Sheppard (2), she was just using the biggest NOBODY in Hollywood to make you feel real shitty about yourself. She got what she wanted. She might even break up with Dax in a week and find somebody even lower (3) than him in Hollywood to parade around town, in hopes that Dax might attempt suicide himself (wishful thinking).
This post was hastily put together. Stay Strong, Owen Wilson.
(1) Obnoxious jackass not named Ashton Kutcher
(2) Nobody actually likes Dax Sheppard. Dax Sheppards parent's hate Dax Sheppard.
(3) Carrot Top?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
An Open Letter.
Dear Residents of Levittown / Hicksville / Bethpage / Westbury / Wantagh / Long Island in general:
On behalf of all runners / joggers / speed walkers / old people walkers, I request that you do the following, to make the lives of those of us who are trying to improve our lives through fitness just a little bit more enjoyable...
1. Keep your fu*king dogs inside your house after sunset. Often times while running, I am sort of in my own world, not really paying attention to my surroundings.. just running. So you can imagine what it may be like while running down a street, just minding your own business, when a 240 pound mutt comes charging at you from inside of a fenced yard. It's enough of a scare to make you skip around and look like a Nancy boy.
2. Keep the lids on your fu*king garbage. I have found that the absolute worst night to go for a run on Long Island is Thursday Nights. Why? Because apparently every single township has some kind of garbage or recycling pick up on Friday morning. So every single person on this Island has their garbage out, and being the mass consumers that we are, there is never enough room in 2 garbage pails for all our shit, so of course there is an overflow garbage just sitting on curbs and pails overloaded. Mix this with the extreme heat humidity of a Long Island August, and the whole town is literally covered with a nasty stench. If I wanted to go for a 12 mile run with the constant smell of old gross garbage in my nostrils, I would just run from Staten Island to New Jersey.
3. Chill with the fu*king light sensors. Just tonight, I was running down Spindle Road, and I was approaching the last 800 meters of a 15 mile run. You know, sprinting time. I was in the street, away from anyone's personal property, and I was just switching my iPod to my power song (Let's go Crazy by Refused). As I was about to being my sprint to the finish, some idiot house's light sensor goes off, and the next thing I know theres a 40,000 watt light shining on me. I'm man enough to admit that I acted as if I saw the great Ghost of Lester Bangs, and I ran the fastest 800 meters of my life, which is cool, but my heart rate also rose to all time high.
4. Put your fu*king sprinklers on when your supposed to. Everyone knows that your supposed to water your lawn either early in the morning, or at night. It's better for the environment, conserves water, and supposedly its actually better for lawn. Coincidentally, it's also the time when most runners are out running their routes. And while some female runners are scared of getting wet, clydesdale's like myself who sweat a gallon a minute like the occasional sprinkler to run through and perhaps get a quick refill on water.
I expect these changes to be made quickly, Lawn Guyland.
Thank You
Sean
On behalf of all runners / joggers / speed walkers / old people walkers, I request that you do the following, to make the lives of those of us who are trying to improve our lives through fitness just a little bit more enjoyable...
1. Keep your fu*king dogs inside your house after sunset. Often times while running, I am sort of in my own world, not really paying attention to my surroundings.. just running. So you can imagine what it may be like while running down a street, just minding your own business, when a 240 pound mutt comes charging at you from inside of a fenced yard. It's enough of a scare to make you skip around and look like a Nancy boy.
2. Keep the lids on your fu*king garbage. I have found that the absolute worst night to go for a run on Long Island is Thursday Nights. Why? Because apparently every single township has some kind of garbage or recycling pick up on Friday morning. So every single person on this Island has their garbage out, and being the mass consumers that we are, there is never enough room in 2 garbage pails for all our shit, so of course there is an overflow garbage just sitting on curbs and pails overloaded. Mix this with the extreme heat humidity of a Long Island August, and the whole town is literally covered with a nasty stench. If I wanted to go for a 12 mile run with the constant smell of old gross garbage in my nostrils, I would just run from Staten Island to New Jersey.
3. Chill with the fu*king light sensors. Just tonight, I was running down Spindle Road, and I was approaching the last 800 meters of a 15 mile run. You know, sprinting time. I was in the street, away from anyone's personal property, and I was just switching my iPod to my power song (Let's go Crazy by Refused). As I was about to being my sprint to the finish, some idiot house's light sensor goes off, and the next thing I know theres a 40,000 watt light shining on me. I'm man enough to admit that I acted as if I saw the great Ghost of Lester Bangs, and I ran the fastest 800 meters of my life, which is cool, but my heart rate also rose to all time high.
4. Put your fu*king sprinklers on when your supposed to. Everyone knows that your supposed to water your lawn either early in the morning, or at night. It's better for the environment, conserves water, and supposedly its actually better for lawn. Coincidentally, it's also the time when most runners are out running their routes. And while some female runners are scared of getting wet, clydesdale's like myself who sweat a gallon a minute like the occasional sprinkler to run through and perhaps get a quick refill on water.
I expect these changes to be made quickly, Lawn Guyland.
Thank You
Sean
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