As I was walking around downtown Brooklyn on a 2 hour lunch break the other day, I looked around. Downtown Brooklyn has become pretty nice over the last few years, and from what I hear it is becoming a popular destination for young people. And as I surveyed the scene I noticed tons of hipster doofueses (doofi?) and hundreds of indie chicks with stupid lawn mower haircuts. Something else I noticed, and I've been noticing this for the better part of 2 years now, was that everyone, and I mean everyone was using some kind of electronic device, whether it be a cell phone with bluetooth technology, an iPod, or one of those god forsaken Sidekicks.
As I walked around disgusted with all of the technological bullshit going on around me, I noticed a young, hip couple walking with a baby in a baby stroller. The couple couldn't have been much older than I, I would say the husband was 27 and the wife 26. The child, which I think was a boy, was maybe 18 months old. Everything seemed to look normal, until I looked at the parents' heads. The dad had iPod headphones on, and the mother was yapping away on her cell phone. As I studied them, I noticed that the little baby became unsettled, and was beginning to cry. The father obviously could not hear the poor little fella over the new White Stripes album he was blasting into his earlobes, and the mother could not be bothered to check on little Billy because she was way too into the conversation she was having with her girlfriend. The baby cried for a good 90 seconds before the mother hung up her phone and picked him up. The dad just kept listening to his iPod.
There a few things that I found wrong about this situation. First of all, this couple could not have been married for very long. I would say at the most 2 years. Is it possible that a newlywed couple has already run out of things to say to each other within 2 years? Do they really need to be ignoring each others company on a casual stroll through the neighborhood? I mean I'm against marriage to begin with, but if I ever do wind up getting hitched, you better believe I'm gonna keep it interesting enough to at least hold a conversation for a few years, even if it includes cheating on my wife. Secondly, they had a child with them! Anytime I babysit, I'm pretty much focusing most of my attention on those that I am babysitting. I don't isolate myself in a different room with my boombox blaring and chat on my cellphone. I make sure that the baby is happy. If they cry, I can usually tend to them within 10-15 seconds. Not only is this couple doomed to spend the rest of their lives together, but their son is going to wind up hating at least one of them for their constant neglect of him, and he has no chance of ever being in a successful relationship, all because mommy and daddy couldn't part with their stupid gadgets and gizmos on a stroll through downtown Brooklyn.
The Sidekick is another technological marvel that I believe is doing much more harm than good in the world. As far as I'm concerned, the Sidekick is not a cell phone. It's AIM in your pocket. All the stupid thing is good for is people IMing each other in bars, in malls, while walking around, on the subway, wherever and whenever. I don't know that I've actually seen one person ever use a Sidekick to actually make a phone call. But why would you want to make a phone call when you can just type what needs to be said? Actually speaking to someone might be too personal. I get it. And is there anything more pathetic than going to a show (punk, hardcore, indie, ska, whatever) and in between sets seeing every stupid non conforming little rebel oi! kid on their dumb Sidekick's changing their away message to say "OMG Hearts That Hate just played and they were rawkin! srsly!1!!" Ugh, its terrible. And the next time that I'm talking to someone (like actually talking to them, in person) and they take out their Sidekick and I hear that universal IM sound go off, I might just take the Sidekick and "Sidekick" it into a lake.
As I was standing in line at the Post Office the other day, the woman behind me was speaking very loud. Loud enough to the point where I was getting annoyed. But I figured she was talking to someone, perhaps her daughter, on line with her, so I didn't turn around and shoot her a nasty look or anything ( I don't know that I'm actually capable of shooting a nasty look, but I can pretend). As her conversation continued and got louder and louder, she began to laugh, or in her case, cackle louder than an old hen. Now, I don't know if you've ever been in a post office before, but it's not necessarily a happy place. People just go there, wait in line with blank stares, and wait to be called upon. Rarely is there an incident at the post office that would cause this woman, or any normal human, to laugh in the matter in which she was laughing. At this point, other people in the line were beginning to shoot their own nasty looks at her, so I decided to join in the fun. I turned around, and to my surprise, there was no one on line with her. Even more surprising, she did not seem to be on her cell phone, either. She was just obviously a mental patient who had escaped and decided to come to the Levittown Post Office and have an extensive conversation with herself. Ok, no big deal I thought, and for a second I felt sorry for her. Until she turned around. It was then that I realized that this wench had a blue light coming from her ear and was holding a cell phone in her hand. She was using one of those goddamn Bluetooth things and had actually been on the phone this whole time, annoying everyone else on line. Once she noticed everyone looking at her in disgust, she said to whoever it was she was speaking with "Oh now everyone in line thinks I'm speaking to myself" and continued to chat away.
This was not the first time that I've had this kind of situation with the bluetooth. The problem with the bluetooth is that if you are unaware that someone is using it, it looks as if the person is talking to you. I was at the supermarket once and some frat bro was on the bluetooth with one of his bro's and he goes "I'll kick your ass in Madden." But he was looking at me, and I didn't know he was "toothing." I suck at Madden, but in my defense I said "What? No you won't." He just pointed to his cell phone, picked up a case of Bud Light and continued on his merry way. This is a sitaution that I can envision happening thousands of times per day throughout the world. The only solution that I can think of is to make anyone who is using a bluetooth wear a shirt, or maybe a big button, that says "I'm using bluetooth, and I'm also a douche."
Now, don't get me wrong... I love technology. I like having a cell phone, I like instant messaging, I love myspace. But I also know there is a place and time for it, and it's not while your tending to a baby or in a quiet office, that's for sure.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Heiress Courtship Time
I'm 24 years old. I'm still going to school. I'm paying thousands of dollars a year to get a stupid piece of paper that will let me work for the rest of my life. I don't want to work for the rest of my life. I want to retire immediately. I do not have, by any means, the finances needed to retire at 24. I don't have the computer skills to create a social networking site and then sell it to Fox for 580 million dollars (screw off Tom). I do not have the musical skills to create the next big blazing hip hop and r&b single. And I certainly was not born into a family where I will be inheriting billions and a few estates any time soon.
But some people were born into those kinds of families, which is why I have decided to halt everything in my life and will now be concentrating on courting some of the worlds hottest heiresses. I have decided for once in my life I should take the easy way out, and the easiest way I could think of is by obviously making a billionaire heiress fall in love with me, marry me, bear my children, divorce her and then take half of her inheritance, including property in foreign islands. I'm going to start my courtship by choosing 5 of the 10 Hottest Heiresses according to Forbes Magazine.
Holly Branson
Forbes Bio: Bubbly blond daughter of brash Virgin mogul Richard Branson is a doctor in London who received her med school degree in pediatrics. Longtime pal of Britain's most eligible man, Prince William, she vacationed with him and his ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton last year. More recently, she has been all over the press after spending a night dancing and chatting with the newly single prince at a London nightclub. Holly maintains they are just friends. The public seems to disagree: Holly once won BBC Channel 4's "A Wife for William" contest with 43% of the vote.
Why it would work: Holly is only one year older than me. She is bubbly. And I have the utmost respect for her father, Sir Richard Branson. That man is a lunatic, and I love it. He's always doing something crazy, like trying to fly around the world tied to balloons and stuff.
Odds of us getting together: 200 to 1. I think if we ever met we would really hit it off. The only thing standing in the way of our eternal happiness is clearly Prince William. If I could just eliminate him (freak polo accident perhaps?), I will invite Holly to come party at the Boardy Barn with me. Heiresses love the Hamptons, but I think Holly has more in common with me when it comes to partying.. all day drink fests and loud music. If NBC channel 4 ever has a "Wife for Sean" contest, she would surely win.
Amanda Hearst
Forbes Bio: Great-granddaughter of publishing legend William Randolph Hearst and niece of the famously kidnapped and brainwashed Patty Hearst, Amanda is a well-known New York socialite who was once featured in a Harper's Bazaar article detailing her annual maintenance cost of $136,360. The student and model is the face of preppy designer Lilly Pulitzer, and she appeared recently on the cover of Hamptons magazine. The heiress is also a member of environmental nonprofit organization Riverkeeper.
Why it would work: Amanda is a blond, I like blondes. She's from NY, i'm from NY too. Most importantly, she is an environmentalist. And although I'm more of a Surfrider type of guy than a Riverkeeper type of guy, I'm sure we could talk about the important global issues over cage-free chicken dinners at an expensive restaurant in Maui.
Odds of us getting together: 136, 160 to 1. Her annual maintenance cost is about 200 dollars more than I can ever envision myself spending on the maintenance of a woman. I don't even know how to maintain a woman. Is it like maintaining a car? Do I have to pay for her to get an oil change every 3 months? I don't know, but her high maintenance would probably clash with my manly ego, and it would just be a mess for all parties involved. Stay away from me Amanda.
Dylan Lauren
Forbes Bio:Daughter of all-American fashion icon Ralph Lauren, Dylan has found her own sweet spot. The candy entrepreneur sells an array of treats from Jelly Belly, Mars and Hershey at her Dylan's Candy Bar stores, now with five locations nationwide. The stores feature party rooms, candy spas and such gifts as candy pillows, T-shirts and scarves. A former cover girl for Hamptons magazine and Town & Country, Dylan has made recent appearances on the Today and Martha Stewart shows.
Why it would work: Our mutual love of candy. Dylan's Candy Bar is one of the only reasons I ever go to Roosevelt Field Mall. I am a collector of Pez Dispensers, and my sweet Dylan always has the newest dispensers in stock the day they come out. The prices are a little high, but thats the way heiresses roll I suppose. I would assume that once we were married she would give me the candy stores so that she could concentrate on other things, like going to social clubs and dinner parties. After the divorce, I would keep the candy stores, rename them to Uncle Seany's Candy Emporium, and lower the prices significantly. I would be a hero to children young and old, and would make enough money to have my own little heiresses.
Odds of us getting together: 2100 to 1. Although we both do have a sweet tooth, she also has a long tooth. Dylan is 32 years old, and from what I have read she is in no rush to settle down anytime soon. I also have the fashion sense of a mentally challenged baboon, so I'm sure her father, Ralph Lauren, would hate me. But it would be freakin awesome to be the king of a candy empire.
Paris and Nicky Hilton
Forbes Bio (Paris): Suddenly life isn't so simple for the world's original celebutante. Great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, Paris was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. The suspension came after an alcohol-related reckless driving incident. It was the defining moment for a year full of tabloid-worthy fodder: a public proclamation of celibacy, a reunion with once-estranged Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie last October and countless rumored romances
Forbes Bio (Nicky): Paris' little sister, Nicky, generated her own buzz with a two-year relationship with Entourage star Kevin Connolly that ended last summer and with her much publicized forays into the hotel business, which quickly flopped. Her Nicky O hotel in Florida's trendy South Beach reportedly went bankrupt, and a Chicago developer sued her and her agent over another hotel project in the Windy City. The case was dismissed.
Why it would work (Paris): It wouldn't. I hate her with all of my heart.
Why it would work (Nicky): I saw Nicky Hilton at a diner in California last year with Entourage star and then current boyfriend Kevin Connolly. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I'm almost positive she smiled at me and told one of her bodyguards that she wanted to do me. I was slightly drunk if I remember correctly, but even still, me and Nicky would be great together. She obviously loves Entourage, so she has a sense of humor. I'm a pretty funny guy. I also like her because she's not like her stupid sister Paris, who annoys me so much that if I saw her at the diner I would have thrown my eggs at her. I also once saw a video of Nicky on an Indo board. I love my Indo board.
Odds of us getting together (Paris): 4 million to 2. Sorry Paris, I don't date convicts. I also don't date crackheads who slept with half of Hollywood and most of the NFL. Take note, Lindsay Lohan.
Odds of us getting together (Nicky): 15 to 1. I feel like Nicky might not have experienced some of the things normal children did growing up, and I think I would be the perfect man to show her some fun. I would take to play some mini golf, ride a ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and watch cartoons. I would also teach her how to throw a frisbee, and invite her to be on my Ultimate Frisbee team. She would surely marry me after that. I might not even divorce her, because I love staying in hotels so much, and since she is the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, that could be a nice hookup.
So there you have it, billionaire ladies. You now know a little more about me, and I will leave it to you fight amongst yourselves to see who gets a piece of the Sean pie.
But some people were born into those kinds of families, which is why I have decided to halt everything in my life and will now be concentrating on courting some of the worlds hottest heiresses. I have decided for once in my life I should take the easy way out, and the easiest way I could think of is by obviously making a billionaire heiress fall in love with me, marry me, bear my children, divorce her and then take half of her inheritance, including property in foreign islands. I'm going to start my courtship by choosing 5 of the 10 Hottest Heiresses according to Forbes Magazine.
Holly Branson
Forbes Bio: Bubbly blond daughter of brash Virgin mogul Richard Branson is a doctor in London who received her med school degree in pediatrics. Longtime pal of Britain's most eligible man, Prince William, she vacationed with him and his ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton last year. More recently, she has been all over the press after spending a night dancing and chatting with the newly single prince at a London nightclub. Holly maintains they are just friends. The public seems to disagree: Holly once won BBC Channel 4's "A Wife for William" contest with 43% of the vote.
Why it would work: Holly is only one year older than me. She is bubbly. And I have the utmost respect for her father, Sir Richard Branson. That man is a lunatic, and I love it. He's always doing something crazy, like trying to fly around the world tied to balloons and stuff.
Odds of us getting together: 200 to 1. I think if we ever met we would really hit it off. The only thing standing in the way of our eternal happiness is clearly Prince William. If I could just eliminate him (freak polo accident perhaps?), I will invite Holly to come party at the Boardy Barn with me. Heiresses love the Hamptons, but I think Holly has more in common with me when it comes to partying.. all day drink fests and loud music. If NBC channel 4 ever has a "Wife for Sean" contest, she would surely win.
Amanda Hearst
Forbes Bio: Great-granddaughter of publishing legend William Randolph Hearst and niece of the famously kidnapped and brainwashed Patty Hearst, Amanda is a well-known New York socialite who was once featured in a Harper's Bazaar article detailing her annual maintenance cost of $136,360. The student and model is the face of preppy designer Lilly Pulitzer, and she appeared recently on the cover of Hamptons magazine. The heiress is also a member of environmental nonprofit organization Riverkeeper.
Why it would work: Amanda is a blond, I like blondes. She's from NY, i'm from NY too. Most importantly, she is an environmentalist. And although I'm more of a Surfrider type of guy than a Riverkeeper type of guy, I'm sure we could talk about the important global issues over cage-free chicken dinners at an expensive restaurant in Maui.
Odds of us getting together: 136, 160 to 1. Her annual maintenance cost is about 200 dollars more than I can ever envision myself spending on the maintenance of a woman. I don't even know how to maintain a woman. Is it like maintaining a car? Do I have to pay for her to get an oil change every 3 months? I don't know, but her high maintenance would probably clash with my manly ego, and it would just be a mess for all parties involved. Stay away from me Amanda.
Dylan Lauren
Forbes Bio:Daughter of all-American fashion icon Ralph Lauren, Dylan has found her own sweet spot. The candy entrepreneur sells an array of treats from Jelly Belly, Mars and Hershey at her Dylan's Candy Bar stores, now with five locations nationwide. The stores feature party rooms, candy spas and such gifts as candy pillows, T-shirts and scarves. A former cover girl for Hamptons magazine and Town & Country, Dylan has made recent appearances on the Today and Martha Stewart shows. Why it would work: Our mutual love of candy. Dylan's Candy Bar is one of the only reasons I ever go to Roosevelt Field Mall. I am a collector of Pez Dispensers, and my sweet Dylan always has the newest dispensers in stock the day they come out. The prices are a little high, but thats the way heiresses roll I suppose. I would assume that once we were married she would give me the candy stores so that she could concentrate on other things, like going to social clubs and dinner parties. After the divorce, I would keep the candy stores, rename them to Uncle Seany's Candy Emporium, and lower the prices significantly. I would be a hero to children young and old, and would make enough money to have my own little heiresses.
Odds of us getting together: 2100 to 1. Although we both do have a sweet tooth, she also has a long tooth. Dylan is 32 years old, and from what I have read she is in no rush to settle down anytime soon. I also have the fashion sense of a mentally challenged baboon, so I'm sure her father, Ralph Lauren, would hate me. But it would be freakin awesome to be the king of a candy empire.
Paris and Nicky Hilton
Forbes Bio (Paris): Suddenly life isn't so simple for the world's original celebutante. Great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, Paris was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. The suspension came after an alcohol-related reckless driving incident. It was the defining moment for a year full of tabloid-worthy fodder: a public proclamation of celibacy, a reunion with once-estranged Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie last October and countless rumored romances
Forbes Bio (Nicky): Paris' little sister, Nicky, generated her own buzz with a two-year relationship with Entourage star Kevin Connolly that ended last summer and with her much publicized forays into the hotel business, which quickly flopped. Her Nicky O hotel in Florida's trendy South Beach reportedly went bankrupt, and a Chicago developer sued her and her agent over another hotel project in the Windy City. The case was dismissed.
Why it would work (Paris): It wouldn't. I hate her with all of my heart.
Why it would work (Nicky): I saw Nicky Hilton at a diner in California last year with Entourage star and then current boyfriend Kevin Connolly. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I'm almost positive she smiled at me and told one of her bodyguards that she wanted to do me. I was slightly drunk if I remember correctly, but even still, me and Nicky would be great together. She obviously loves Entourage, so she has a sense of humor. I'm a pretty funny guy. I also like her because she's not like her stupid sister Paris, who annoys me so much that if I saw her at the diner I would have thrown my eggs at her. I also once saw a video of Nicky on an Indo board. I love my Indo board.
Odds of us getting together (Paris): 4 million to 2. Sorry Paris, I don't date convicts. I also don't date crackheads who slept with half of Hollywood and most of the NFL. Take note, Lindsay Lohan.
Odds of us getting together (Nicky): 15 to 1. I feel like Nicky might not have experienced some of the things normal children did growing up, and I think I would be the perfect man to show her some fun. I would take to play some mini golf, ride a ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and watch cartoons. I would also teach her how to throw a frisbee, and invite her to be on my Ultimate Frisbee team. She would surely marry me after that. I might not even divorce her, because I love staying in hotels so much, and since she is the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, that could be a nice hookup.
So there you have it, billionaire ladies. You now know a little more about me, and I will leave it to you fight amongst yourselves to see who gets a piece of the Sean pie.
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